My Sweet Angel

By the end of this blog..I'll be in tears......*let it flow*...My sweet angel. I'm strong because u embedded strength into me whether I liked it or not. When I fell, u looked @ me & "Said, I'm not the Father of a weak girl, get up". When these guys break my heart, I fall to the floor in tears, then I hear my daddy. So I get the fuck up & move on. In school, when grades were low...he didn't whoop me..he sat me in front of a book & made me study. I graduated from high school with out ever attending Summer school, repeating a grade, & with a 4.0GPA. You were the only reason I finished school. After your death I thought of dropping out, but I knew u would turn in your grave. I'm Currently enrolled in College as a Medical Assistant, plan on working with children or animals....My sweet angel. You told me I had talent, but I didn't use it until Now. Better late than never...I'm trying to be something great, but having minor set backs, making mistakes but trying to correct them. I pray to God every night & praying that you're smiling. I'm sorry for all the wrong Ive done. I know u see it. I've let guys use me, something u tried to teach me not to do. But u know how it is. But i remain strong. I suck it up & continue doing me. I let so called friends encourage me to do wrong. But I have my own mind. Worked in a strip club, but never took off my clothes. Lol, u can tell I wasn't sure about doin this. I thought of u , and never went back. I second guess myself often.U saw something in me, that til this day I'm not sure If I can be that. But I'll die trying. Mama makes it harder but I think it's her plan to make me show her I can do it. She say things like "You cant be a model, you're not pretty enough, tall enough, talented enough, u always give up". "You wont finish college, your not focused enough.". Damn daddy I wanna run to u. Hug u and kiss u, show u that I miss u, & need u. Need to hear your encouraging words. Need a hug. Need a kiss. Hear "I love u pumpkin"..I remember having a dream of u in a casket. Not knowing a month later it'll be reality. Now I always sleep with my head under the covers.After being shot in the chest for marrying a white woman, being shot in the war, & having heart attacks constantly, working 2 jobs at the age of 50, cigarettes, & drinking beer would be the cause of your death. WTF? 2 in the morning I'm running thru the Med like I'm on the track team. I ran to the room your body was in. My heart dropped, everything froze, the world became silent. I lost u. Its officially over. I feel like I'm dieing real slow. No one understands me. They dnt know what to do when I'm hurt when I'm angry.You were my best friend and my daddy. Everything that I needed u had me. I cant let u go, & I wont.Daddy, if I could I give the world to have u back...I would. I'd pack it up & hand it over. I feel your spirit everywhere. I know it was you that saved me when that guy tried to rape me, when my ex fiancée thru me down stairs & put a gun to my head, it was u that locked the gun up so that I could run. & was you that made the situation minor instead of major when my other ex dropped me & broke my collar bone instead of my pine, or me fallin on my neck.You & God. My sweet angel.....I wish I could grab tightly to your little pinky finger & walk with you like we always did. I hear u saying "Pumpkin don't cry..I'm right here". I wish I could rub your little face & smell your scent. When I'm sleeping I can see u in my dreams with me. If Its part of god's plan..hopefully we will meet again. Protect me God in the hecked world, change my violent ways & keep me in your arms. God, all I want now is peace with out drama. Dear father forgive me.......